Laura Ogubie
“... in the last year and a half, I’ve realized that I cannot be the best mother to my child unless I take care of myself and what’s going on in my heart and soul.”
Laura Ogubie
Age:33 years old;
City: Birmingham, Alabama
Hobbies: Strolling through the city, walking in the woods, designing handmade note cards from old newspapers, photography, watching the world through my son’s eyes.
So it's kind of crazy to think that I've known you for like 2 years now! In the last two years, what has been the biggest change in your personal life. And in what ways has it catalyzed your personal growth?
For sure, the biggest change has been the conception and birth of my beautiful son, Obiajulu Nnamdi.
Being unmarried at the time, and raised in a home where sex outside of marriage is condemned, I faced enormous personal fears in deciding to carry my son to term. Along with that, I also realized many terrible things about who I am as an adult daughter and as a significant other. I ultimately learned that I had to stand up better for myself and my significant other. I had to stop letting people get by with saying whatever they felt, and fight back, which is very contrary to my easy-going attitude. Before, I was not going to anyone to talk about my personal struggles and how to address them. After announcing my pregnancy, I knew I needed to find someone who could help me work through everything, so I could be a better significant other and mom. Through counseling, I am discovering even more things that need work, which is also very helpful.
A big message of Undiscovered Worth is about connecting to others and ourselves. The reality, even for me, is that it's a real struggle to put into practice. Do you find yourself struggling as well and have you found any ways to be intentional about doing it?
Oof. I think this is where many people would say something like “I feel attacked.” Haha, I definitely struggle. Even though I share the responsibilities of raising my son with my husband, the reality is that I am almost always with my son – unless I’m at work – making it a challenge for connecting with either myself or others.
I don’t ever want a friend to feel as if they are unimportant to me or that I am ignoring them intentionally out of a lack of desire to be around them. At the moment, the reality is that it’s extremely challenging to keep a phone call going when the little one is wanting to tell me something while the person on the phone is also telling me something – and I am trying to assure both that I am listening to them both (because…I am), but I fear one of them feels unwanted or unheard. The same is true of getting together face to face, because my number one responsibility is to my child – admonishing, loving, and protecting. I find it extremely difficult to carry on a conversation with another person in most environments, strictly because the only place I am aware of all the possible risks to my child is my own home. That said, I strive to make it work but fail often.
Similarly, I find it a challenge to connect to myself, because I am constantly with my little one.
Because of the difficulty in connecting to others, I choose weekend days to do whatever I know Obiajulu will enjoy doing (going to the park, the zoo, the science center, etc) and invite a friend (and their children, if they have them) along and try to have as few time constraints as possible, reducing the stress of our gathering.
Regarding connecting to myself, I choose to do this on my brief car rides to work each morning, and especially after my little one goes to bed on weekends while my husband is at work. I still have a long way to go, in terms of truly connecting to myself… But in the last year and a half, I've realized that I cannot be the best mother to my child unless I take care of myself and what’s going on in my heart and soul. That said, I have been very intentional to be sure I take the time to take care of myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Sometimes connecting to myself means riding in the car without any added noise, sometimes it means a hot bath, sometimes trying my hand at baking a recipe I never thought I could make, sometimes it means studying my Bible and how the words on the pages would apply to me, sometimes going to a counselor, and sometimes it means studying something I think I would be interested in pursuing to broaden my career choices. At the end of the day, my favorite way of connecting to myself is through yoga, where I temporarily focus on letting go of everything.
“ It’s ok to challenge the way you were brought up. It’s not disrespectful to question the way you were or are being raised.”
I'm fully convinced that women are superheroes, especially the ones like you who are also mothers, wives, AND full-time employees. I often struggle with giving so much to others that I don't have anything left for myself. It's only been recent that I've taken regular breaks to replenish myself. Do you have any steps for doing the same in your own life?
Haha! I definitely thought I could continue to do all and be all for everyone, even as a mom. And in some ways, I have maintained. But I recently got pushed to a point where I had to begin evaluating who I was giving what of myself to. I am terrible about setting boundaries for myself with others. I am so easily a pushover.
With the wisdom you have now if you could give your 18-year-old self any advice, what would it be, and do you think she would've listened? (haha I highly doubt that I would've to be honest)
Oooh, man. 18-year old Laura. YIKES. She was incredibly naïve. I would tell myself to stop letting others tell me what and how to think. It’s ok to challenge the way you were brought up. It’s not disrespectful to question the way you were or are being raised. Honestly, I wouldn’t have listened. I know this because I recall my aunt saying something like that to me, only in the most mild and loving way.
In what way(s) would your younger self be proud of who you are today?
Well, 18-year old me would be horrified. Haha! I was truly convinced a woman’s only place was in the home. I KNOW. It’s WILD. But fast forward to mid-twenties me, and I would be SO insanely proud…
1. I made the decision to go to college for a degree that would help me serve others and become independent, and then to go back to college for my bachelor’s degree about a year after obtaining my culinary degree (which earned me the same income as a high school diploma).
2. Proud that my thinking toward minorities has transformed from a place of judgment and misunderstanding to a place of compassion and love.
3. Proud that I am making life and marriage work with a child added into the mix.
4. Proud of the man I choose daily, and who chooses me daily – that we both have can-do attitudes and are willing to work however hard we must in order to pursue life for ourselves and our son.
