On creative freedom

Kizzie Klaire: You know, I feel like as an artist, I'm kind of a weird person to talk to you. Because I don't really have any source of inspiration behind my work, just to be completely blunt. And I think that always surprises people because so much of my photography is very moody and comes across as very emotional. There's a lot of movement in my pictures but really, what it boils down to is I have super, super severe ADD/ADHD. And I like immediate results on things. So if I want to create art for that day, I just sit down, pull out a generally 10 minutes session in my house, and comb through the images right then, and I have a finished product that I think is pretty by the end of it. And as a kid, I used to get so frustrated for two reasons. With the whole ADD/ADHD thing, my mom would try to teach me how to do all these beautiful art forms.

I took so many instrument lessons, she tried to teach me how to sew. And she didn't force anything on me. I really wanted to do it all. But I have no patience. Because I had no tangible results in my hands right then to show I had done something. So I always quit every time. Whenever I found digital photography, probably in 2007 is, whenever I was like, "Yes! This works. I can see what I'm doing right here, right now. This is awesome." But also, I would get annoyed as a kid. Because I would always read about these artists and how they have these beautiful, mysterious backgrounds. And they're trying to make these beautiful messages with their art, or they were moved by a song or experience, so they created something. And I loved, but that just never was a thing for me. I just wanted to make pretty things, and I didn't have much of a reason behind it. So I like to be candid on that with people and not try to pretend like I'm this wonderful emotional artist or whatever. Because I think it's important for people to hear that you can be happy and not have a purpose behind your art and still make cool things.

Kashara Johnson: I feel like there's like a lot of freedom in that rate of like, just being able to create artwork that you just love in that moment, you know, that just kind of fits. 

KK: Right. 

KJ: And I feel like artists and creatives often feel like they have to have this like theme or this niche type of thing. So I really love that you're super candid about that. I feel like it would make it more fun.

KK: *chuckles* Something like that, for sure. Like I said, I would get so upset, and I would beat myself up. And I would try to make myself into this sad creature with a broken heart or something, and that's not to say that I haven't been through tough things. I mean, I have. I went through a divorce this past year. And, you know, I have had a turbulent ride from things, but I don't know, I don't like to delve into sad emotions. And then as a child, I grew up extremely privileged, you know, with a stereotypical middle-class family, and I had both my parents around, so there's no like, heartbreak to delve into there. In any other trauma, maybe my photography is my subconscious way of dealing with it. But it's surely not at the forefront of my mind whenever I create anything.

On Beautiful endings

KJ: In 2020, how were you able to adjust to your work and all the things going on in your personal life? What was that experience like?

KK: Really, photography became my escape from it. And I don't mean escape again, not pouring my emotions out into my work, but kind of a way to numb out from it. And I guess it was touching on the tangibility of digital photography and not waiting for a result. You know, if I was feeling down and I needed to feel really proud of myself, that was an easy way to do it. And I could just go and create something and then look at it and feel so good. Like, "Okay, I still have my power, I still have my challenge. My world is on fire and crumbling down just like everyone else around me. But I still have this machine. And I can still do this." I remember one of the first shoots that I did whenever I moved back to Birmingham, from Mobile, given the situation. I moved into this tiny crappy studio apartment that's falling apart. I love it. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for it, but I'm living in a closet. But I was feeling really bad about myself. And I wanted to make something I was proud of. And I wanted to make something that I could throw on Instagram and other people would connect with, even if I didn't have much intention behind it. So I had this little light beam that looks like a lightsaber in the corner of my teensy tiny bathroom. I set my camera on a tripod, rubbed glitter on my face, and then just started taking pictures. And I was done with all of it within an hour for sure. And I'm pretty sure that all of those pictures are my top interacted with on Instagram.

KJ: I know exactly which ones you're talking about. *laughs* Yeah, I'm very familiar. I love I love all your photos, really. So when you talk about going through your divorce, I can kind of relate because I almost got a divorce. We'd separated for like six months, and I moved out. And it was a whole thing of moving to a tiny apartment. So I could definitely - to a little extent - identify with you on that. You said that happened this past year?

KK: Yeah, it happened during 2020.

KJ: Gotcha. You mentioned our worlds kind of crumbling. Aside from photography, how have you been able to piece it back together? Because I feel like it happens to everyone at some point. For me, the crumbling moment in my life came in 2019. And I definitely had to go through that process of piecing things together and really figuring out who I am apart from this person or who have I become to myself. And, so I'm curious about that with you?

KK: Yeah, so it's very, very interesting because me and my ex-husband started dating whenever I was 15. And we were married for five years, so almost 10 years in total. So we were just best friends. We truthfully were used to each other. And so it was something that we both sensed was coming for a while, and we've been able to remain great friends through it all. And I really think even though that situation was such a great source of pain, it was also probably the greatest source of healing that I had, too, as backward and back mirrors as that sounds. 

Whenever I had told him that I thought I probably needed to move, that was in February, right as the world was shutting down with a pandemic. And I ended up living with him for the duration of the shutdown and didn't move until May. And I think that that was so good for us because we got to see each other still as the original people that we loved who had just grown apart and needed to take different paths. And then, whenever I moved to Birmingham, I was fortunate enough to go straight into a job. I manage the Collective Salon at Pepper Place. But I had worked with all of them prior. So it was easy to slide into that as a new home and a sense of purpose without having to relearn everybody or relearn a new position. I had immediate work there. So, in short, to answer your question, it'd just be the community around me, whether that was my ex-husband or the co-workers that I had here, old friends, or what have you.

KJ: That's really powerful. I think there's something that's really beautiful about your ability to break up with someone and then spend like three-plus months with them. It's kind of like a gift of an ending.

KK: Definitely, definitely. Like I said, I really think that it just continued to humanize both of us, rather than us being apart and making these stories up about each other in our heads that really weren't there. There was nothing traumatic. We just needed to go on separate paths. And I think having each other there at the start and kind of living that together was healthy, as strange as it was.

On Searching For a Meaning

KJ: So when you moved to Birmingham, what was that experience? What was it like to actually take that next step and move?

KK: Well, it would probably depend on the second of which day we're even talking about. It was such a roller coaster of so many emotions. I think in the end, the sum emotion would probably be that I was just really proud of myself. I went from living with my parents to dating him, then married, being with someone for my entire life, coming out and being by myself, and jumping into a role where I felt needed and wanted. It was very, very powerful and sad at times, for sure. There's a lot of shame surrounding that, as I'm sure you can relate when you have to explain things to people or see them making assumptions based on what you're doing on social media. That's really crappy. But in the end, as we were reopening the salon in COVID protocols, I was working no less than 60 hour weeks. And whenever I would get a day off, thank God, most of my photography clientele live in Birmingham. So they kept me busy with new ideas and adapting photography to this new lifestyle, and keeping people safe. So I didn't have a ton of time to really sit and engage my emotions. I even remember one day I had to write on my calendar, "Kizzie, take a self-care day and don't do anything." *chuckles*

KJ: What would you say is the thing that you're looking most forward to for yourself? This year?

KK: I think just going forward and continuing to live in my truth. You know, I have a lot of lifestyle changes that are kind of foreign to me apart from just living on my own. And I think embracing that and embracing the change that comes with it and further chasing my career, whether that be in the hair industry, photography, heck, I'm trying to do painting now. We'll see how long that lasts. Just taking things as they come. I keep trying to set a word of intention for myself this year. But I think my lack of ability to come up with one kind of is the intention. I think this is just the universe's way of telling me that I need to take my life and everything in it literally one day at a time. Because as everyone on this earth can relate to right now, we have no fucking clue what's coming up. Learning to embrace that is a strength all on its own.

KJ: You know, I feel the same way. For me, deconstructing religiously and growing up in the church, I feel like we learn that there's always got to be a meaning to everything that happens, you know?

KK: Yes. Yes. Absolutely. 

KJ: So usually, every year, I'd be like, "This is my word for the year, blah, blah blah." I don't really do that anymore, and I try not to intentionally because I feel like I'll try to find more meaning in stuff. And that's not to say that trying to find meaning is bad. I'm just saying a lot of times growing up in the church, it's like, everything has to mean something and have an intention. 

KK: Right. Yeah. I'm 100% with you on that. I come from a very conservative Christian background. And for quite some time now, I've been doing so many steps of unlearning in general, but that's something that I hadn't thought of before. Yes! Everything has ascribed some sort of elaborate meaning.

KJ:And it's almost like a way of kind of like bypassing, right? So something bad happens. And you think, well, everything happens for a reason.

KK: Yes, exactly. It creates excuses. 

KJ: Yeah, and so you just kind of say, "Well, everything happens for a reason. I'm just gonna move on."

KK: I think it's such a toxic way of living, but I think it speaks more to people wanting to avoid truth and pain for what it really is.

KJ: Yeah. And for me, I kind of got to that point after we separated. Like, maybe things don't happen for a reason. Maybe things just don't work out. Yeah, maybe it just is what it is.

KK: Yeah, maybe it doesn't work out. And you know, maybe things happen that really shouldn't. If it's happened, we take it at face value and keep moving forward.

KJ: Yeah. And there's something really freeing about that. It's like, to me, it was like a weight off of my shoulders once I realized, not everything has to have this grand, bigger, deeper meaning. I can just exist. 

KK: Right. Sometimes life just sucks. You can wake up and breathe. You can take three and a half-hour naps if you want to. *chuckles*

KJ: Yeah. *laughs* Yes, exactly. Well, I guess I'll wrap it up with my last question, which is, in what way would you say that you grew the most last year?

KK: I think finally being honest with myself about everything. Even about not ascribing meaning to what I create or leaving my situation, or being honest with my family about who I want to be. I think there is so much freedom in that, not only because of being honest with myself but because I can look back and see the strength that that took and know what I'm capable of. And, you know, I'm still living and breathing and kicking off. My world didn't actually end, even though it felt like it sometimes.

For more information about Kizzie and her work, follow her on Instagram.